Like every evening, when her husband, Gabriel Astete (39) was leaving for work at night, Macarena Duarte (26) went to the kitchen to cook something for her two daughters, Javiera (8) and Denisse (6). It was her time to share with them. “Tea is ready, my princesses!!” she called them. “I’m not a princess and I don’t want to be a princess!” angrily replied her younger daughter, who was then four years old. The mother remained silent. Once in bed, when the girls were ready to sleep, Macarena addressed the incident again: “Why don’t you want to be a princess?”
- Mom, it’s because I’m a boy, not a girl.
- No, you’re a girl; you have to be a girl.
Alexis spoke loud and clear to her mother, but Macarena didn’t want to listen much, as she admits today.
For a long time, Alexis showed signs that she was not a girl to her parents. Some were subtler, such as loathing dresses, pink clothes, and preferring boys’ toys, such as cars or robots. In other occasions, the signs were more explicit, like that night. “We thought she was going to be a lesbian, that was the term for
Pink and Piggy Tails
Macarena and Gabriel “met in the street,” he explains. “I had left home and I all I did was partying. At that time, she lived in a hostel, because she had problems with her mother.” Gabriel was immediately interested in her and approached her in a disco. Soon after, they both ended up living with a mutual friend. Macarena was with another partner at that time, but Gabriel made the most of the time he spent talking to her alone.
Their relationship progressed fast. When she broke up with her former partner, Gabriel offered her to move in together. They were just beginning to date. “If it works, it works,” they thought. They have been together for 10 years now. They haven’t got married, and they have been on the verge of breaking up many times, but “there’s always something else that unites us, always,
They had been trying for a long time to have a child and the relationship was worn down, they say. Then, Javiera was born, who is very overprotected, and pampered, admits her father.
Two years later, Denisse was born. Her parents say she was always “different.” When she played with her elder sister, she always played the male roles. Javiera was the princess, while Denisse was the prince. Javiera was Peppa, she was George. Javiera was Minnie, she was Mickey. Their mother scolded Javiera by telling her “Javi,” as Macarena calls Javiera, “why do you always have to be the princess?” “But she is the one who wants to play the Prince!” replied Javiera.
When Denisse was three years old, during Christmas, her mother recalls seeing Alexis crying out to come out in his sad and disappointed face. “He looked at his cousins’ toys with so much enthusiasm. I told him ‘Go play with your dolls’ and he would say ‘no’, that he was going to give them to Javiera.” I think it was horrible for him not to receive any gift he liked.
Although Macarena says she tried to reinforce the feminine stereotypes with “lots of pink, lots of piggy tails,” both parents slowly gave in. If they went to the corner shop and he asked them to buy a toy car or a superhero, they accepted. Birthdays used more “boys” themes, explains Gabriel, like Pokémon. They started telling Alexis’ uncles and friends not to gift girl’s toys to Alexis, simply because they were going to be thrown away and didn’t want to “hurt anyone’s feelings.”
One day, they were watching TV and came across a news report about
Entering school rushed everything. Alexis didn’t want to wear a skirt. So, Gabriel decided to request phone advice with the Juntos Contigo Foundation and began to dress Alexis with boys’ clothes. “He looks very cute, Mom, I know he wants to dress like that,” commented Javiera. They made a bun in his hair and put him a cap, but “his curls kept falling off, so it didn’t work,” says Gabriel.
- This is ridiculous, we’ll cut it off tomorrow — he told Macarena.
They went to a hairdresser’s downtown. Alexis was wearing a braid that disappeared with a snip. The boy celebrated, but his mother was crying. Macarena kept the braid. The last remnant of Denisse.
“I didn’t like long hair. It got too tangled and dirty all the time,” recalls Alexis.
One week after that, Evelyn Silva visited the family at home. Gabriel and Macarena felt they needed more help. They had done everything instinctively, so they still felt very confused.
- What’s your name? — Evelyn asked Alexis.
- Alexis — he replied, very calmly.
It was the first time he said his name, recalls Gabriel. They were
– What do you like playing?
– Football, and with my dolls.
A Happy Boy
It was Alexis’ first day of school. He was at the playground, with other kids. “It’s a girl!” shouted one of the kids, as if he was accusing him. Alexis ran away. “I was a little embarrassed and angry, so I went to another playset and played there.
Both the Principal and the other parents were aware of Alexis’ situation. There was even a meeting. Out of a class of 40 students, three parents opposed that the child stayed in school. It’s not that much, thinks Gabriel, trying to see the glass half full. “The worst thing they told us was that Alexis could do something sexual to a classmate,” he recalls, seeing the glass half empty.
The Selenna Foundation tried to help them find another school in the commune of Recoleta, where the family lives. He began to attend another one, but he didn’t last for a month. Alexis’ parents were distressed. Evelyn told them about the project they were developing: the Amaranta Gómez School, a free school, especially designed for transgender children. Macarena and Gabriel decided to try it.
Gabriel gets early in the morning from his work as a night guard and soon after he takes Alexis to school, which is located in the commune of Ñuñoa. They have to take two buses and take an average of one and a half hours. It’s not a trip Alexis particularly enjoys: he always feels like throwing up. Because of this, he does not have breakfast before leaving, but when arriving to school instead. His father leaves him and returns home to make lunch. At that time Macarena, who is pregnant, is working.
“I get lunch ready and I leave to pick him up. Alexis finishes school at 2:00 pm, so we’re having lunch around 4:00 pm,” he explains. After that, they go together to pick the elder daughter, Javiera. When they get back, he helps Alexis to study, because now he has to take open exams. “My dad is teaching me to read, I like to study with him,” he says.
If he’s lucky, Gabriel can take a short nap before going back to work. He has 4-on 4 off shifts (working for 4 consecutive days, followed by 4 consecutive days off), but he does additional work in those days nearly all the time. “Macarena doesn’t really like that I work those days, but we need the
The family makes a lot of sacrifices, but they confirm that it is worth the effort because they now see how Alexis has changed, happier and more self-confident.
Alexis slowly adapts to his new school. “I was a little afraid of going to school with other transgender children,” he explains. In his group, the youngest of all the groups, he is the only boy. “The girls here behave a little
- Have you told others that you’re transgender?
- My cousins and my friend at home know.
- Did they say anything to you when they found out?
- Nothing. We just play as usual.
- What about the rest of your family?
- My grandfather calls me ‘missy’. He doesn’t understand. He has poor sight.
The family is also adapting. Gabriel says that the first few days he couldn’t stop looking at Alexis. “It was like having a strange child in the house. I knew he was my son, but that was the first feeling I had.” He says he used to be very male chauvinistic, homophobic and transphobic, but not anymore. He explains that he has evolved and refrains from making inappropriate comments and corrects others in the family when they do. “As a father, I have to protect Alexis,” he explains.
He confesses that he always wanted a boy. What a paradox, he thinks now. “My wish came true, but I would have preferred him to stay as Denisse if it depended on me, due to all the problems there are. I am always being careful that we are both alive, my wife and me. I’m afraid that something will happen to me and that I won’t be there now, at his age, to protect him, because he would suffer a lot.”
Macarena continues to deal with the glances and comments behind her back. Alexis recently accompanied her to an event at
“She still hasn’t completely accepted it; she still hopes that Alex will become her daughter again. But she doesn’t communicate her fears and concerns to him. I understand her, but Alex is already a boy, he is convinced that he is a boy and he will not change,” reflects Gabriel.
Alexis plays football in the courtyard, with his sister Javiera, unaware of his parents’ reflections. He takes the ball and tries to juggle the ball with his feet, like Alexis Sanchez. The ball falls. “I cannot handle it,” he says, laughing.
What will happen in the future when Alexis reaches puberty? They don’t know. But at school, they’re helping him to love himself “the way he is,” with all the changes that may come, his parents explain. They do not plan to restrain his development with medication. They do not trust puberty blockers, hormones, because they don’t know what damage they may cause him in the long-term.
Gabriel only hopes for the best. “When the time comes, when his period comes, his breasts grow; I hope it is not an issue for him. But it is going to have an effect on him, no matter what.”
In the meantime, small gestures are making the difference. Alexis told his dad that he wanted to pee standing up, just like him. Since he can’t, now it’s Gabriel who pees sitting down. “They are small details, so he doesn’t feel bad. It’s no problem for me.”
